@BoomBoomBetty

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

You Might Also Like

@kDuncanG

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

@mom_tho

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

@pena_core

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

@Brianhopecomedy

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

@CVTBaby

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

@thatdutchperson

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

@SortaSarcastic

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…