[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
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God, I love Scotland
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes