Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean