Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
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Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Close call…
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I told my vodka about you.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it