@ilovepie84

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

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@Marcmywords2

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

@sad_tree

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

@FatherWithTwins

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

@decentbirthday

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

@bridger_w

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

@shanethevein

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

@BKLYNBeeyotch

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

@pleatedjeans

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

@mxmclain

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*