Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
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“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
This is Sparta
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!