MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…