@mrtruthandsoul

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

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@jjhartinger

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

@Breadery

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

@chopper4jk

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@EliTerry

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

@bridger_w

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

@Jasmin_Tatts

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

@rachelle_mandik

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller