Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.


Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.


Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking


My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.


I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.


I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs


I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.


emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.


GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller