Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you鈥檙e naked you鈥檙e also homeless and that鈥檚 literally the worst time to be naked
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don鈥檛 want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.馃槩”
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
an octopus is just a wet spider
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE