Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake