Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Pat is about to own someone
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*