Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
You Might Also Like
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club