Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
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Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Banking tips
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”