Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”