[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?