Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
“I wouldn’t.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
let’s discuss
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.