[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
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My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan