Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *