Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
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Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly