Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here