@ABurgerADay
@soyourelikethat Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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@soyourelikethat 
@dafloydsta ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
@chuuew I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
@asuiterclarke being a writer on Twitter:
@Ideal_Victoria It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
@FatherWithTwins Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
@AngelaEhh If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
@Ruth_A_Buzzi People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
@noog Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
@TheAlexNevil 7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.