@ABurgerADay

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

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@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

@chuuew

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

@Ideal_Victoria

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

@FatherWithTwins

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

@noog

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

@TheAlexNevil

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.