Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news


I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.


It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.


Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”


If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?


People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.


Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis


7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.