Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
a lot to unpack here
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.