Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*