[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!