Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Hitlers gonna hitl
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys