Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I finally found a reason to live again.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.