@noog

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

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@ArfMeasures

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

@OhNoSheTwitnt

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

@hamspamtymaam

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

@slimmy_shady

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

@LostCatDog

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@caliluvgirl77

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

@MELisCrazyInAZ

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe