Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
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[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]