“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
marvel comics have peaked
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I bet birds love this building.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.