“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
The internet is magic sometimes.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”