Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?