Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
tis the season
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
What number SPF blocks people?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone