Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
TRAIN’S HERE
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.