Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
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I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
next level snooze
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE