@bourgeoisalien
@Social_Mime *During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
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@Social_Mime 
@TheAlexNevil “I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
@Reverend_Scott mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
@RAFtailgunner A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
@SaraESpivey Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
@MatCro ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
@Home_Halfway Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
@cheeky__gal I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
@Darlainky I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
@TheFemaleJoker0 Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”