Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
You Might Also Like
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”