Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

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*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.



“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]


A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.


Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.


ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you


Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.


I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.


I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.


Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”