@bourgeoisalien

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

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@Social_Mime

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

@Reverend_Scott

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

@RAFtailgunner

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

@MatCro

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@cheeky__gal

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

@Darlainky

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

@TheFemaleJoker0

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”