Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Feel. He’s so soft.