Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.