Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
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A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’