Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
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Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
President The Rock Obama
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!