“Miss me yet?” – 2019
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I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this