Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
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When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
This is I, Robot all over again
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.