Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what