Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
wish me luck lads
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people