Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try