Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim