“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
necessity is the mother of invention
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.