MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.