Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

My life in a nutshell

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”