Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!