Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
You Might Also Like
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.