[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
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Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Don’t touch that.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS