Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
You Might Also Like
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: