Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.


Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.


Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch


Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”


The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)


Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.


Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.


Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.