@lynyrdsbackyard

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

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@jwoodham

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

@Book_Krazy

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

@Jared_VanL

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

@biorhythmist

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

@GrantTanaka

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.