@lynyrdsbackyard

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

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@Desert_Musings

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

@Gupton68

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

@msgwenl

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

@Chhapiness

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

@Dawn_M_

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

@fightgeek

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

@FrenulumBreve

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

@Puncroaker

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”