Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*