Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
new career option?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich