Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Meanwhile in Portland…
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.