Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
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do what now??
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?