Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
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I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Maths meets science
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
My blood type is b hungry.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit