Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
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goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Happens to everyone.
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck