Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I put the mess in domestic.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Me buying fruit and veg
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me